I've felt it and been overwhelmed by it
Stranded
that feeling of abandonment.
I have often found myself bewildered because of it; I never thought that feeling could be a good thing.
Well, I missed you fellow bloggers. You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in the last couple of days. I've been having a hard time getting on my blog.
I went to see my doctor on Monday and he asked about my sleeping habits. I hadn't been sleeping. Honestly, I had not slept through the night or went to sleep before 11:30pm in the past six months. My routine at times consisted of staying up until I could no longer fight sleep. Many times that could mean I was up as late as 1 or 2 am (that's not good when you're up at 4:30am each morning).
My doctor asked me how I was sleeping and I immediately informed him that I was getting somewhere in the range of 2-4 hours of sleep per night and my slumber never went uninterrupted. He prescribed me some sleeping pills. I don't think I've rested this well in years...probably my entire life.
Now, back to this issue: When can being stranded be a good thing? I know you might be wondering what good could emerge from being stranded. Doesn't that word have the most negative connotation? What does it mean to be stranded?
The denotation (dictionary definition) of stranded is to bring into or leave in a helpless position: He was stranded in the middle of nowhere.
I stood in the middle of myself yesterday evening. I wondered When will I feel more like myself? When will I be able to feel strong and confident again? How will I be able to spring back into action and put all of these hard thoughts behind me. I continued to ratiocinate: I know I'm a strong woman. The joy of the Lord is my strength and this could have happened to anyone. I got through all of my "Why me?" questioning and proceeded past my "What must people be thinking?" and began to delve into "Lord, what are you saying? What are you trying to show me?"
Tuve muchas preguntas para mi Dios
I had many questions for my God
Tuesday, I began to feel more comfortable with saying "Lord, whatever it is that you want me to extrapolate from this situation, whatever you want me to do, whatever I need to say, I totally acquiesce myself to you." I finally stopped asking why I seem to be destined to go through something everytime my foot touches soil. I began to think about how, out of all of the things I've been through, I have never lost hope. Although I have at times faultered, I have always managed to press through life difficulties and find light in dark places.
By Wednesday, I decided that I wouldn't allow myself to become angry or bitter over anyone who looked down on me, stopped calling/hanging out with me or didn't have any sympathy/empathy for my family's plight....that's when it happened...I couldn't find my keys. LOL! I laugh about it now, but, normally, when I'm going through a difficult time, something as miniscule as misplacing my keys would set off a plethora of different emotions. My questioning would start with "Why am I always going through something? and would end with "Why does it seem like no one loves me? Why does everyone seem to walk away from me?"
Really extreme huh?
My heart, when in turmoil, seems to always turn to that song. "If my family loved me, why did they abandon me?" I guess it may seem neither relevant nor important (besides, that was more than 20 years ago); however, my heart always searched back to why I could be in this predicament...I mean beside the fact that teacher pay is insufficient! I'm trying to refrain from talking about that right now, but trust me, it's comin'!
Honestly, just to tell you this, I'm so concerned about where we will live when we leave IHN because I have no idea how I will be able to afford more than $500 a month rent on my income. Please don't get me started!
Okay, back to what I was saying:
So, it seems fesible to say that, if I was valuable to anyone other than the Lord, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. Therefore, I can candidly express to you that I feel alone most of the time and lonely nearly all of the time.
In my life, all thrity-eight years of it, I have had few friends and even fewer lovers. In fact,out of all of those that stayed with me any period of time, I have never been presented a ring and asked "Will you marry me?"
For a while I thought it was my fault, but now I realize that I have given so much of myself to others that my singleness is not only temporary, it is needful during this juncture in my life. I don't need to be with anyone until I reach the place God is taking me to....and I am on my way! Hallelujah!
Ok...back to what I was saying...
Wednesday, I couldn't find my keys for 35 minutes and, for the first time in four years, I was late for work. When I arrived to my classroom, my hair was a mess and I felt worn out and ashamed. As those same feelings attempted to invade my peace, I immediately reminded myself that I was not abandoned, God knew my name and that I would be okay.
I taught my class and re-adjusted my hair several times. It just wouldn't do right! There were curly pieces out everywhere and, as I looked at my own reflection in the television (on my TV cart) I was disgusted by what I saw. I looked like an old woman who had given up and I wasn't happy to see my youth leave me because I was running late for work. I knew I would do something about it once my class was over.
As soon as the bell rang, I looked at my "to do" list and said: "I'll get to it as soon as I get my wig straight(or as we used to say in the Chi-My buttas whipped)." It took me almost an hour, but I had to do it. Once I was done, I only completed three things on my ten-part list, but I felt like my hair was beautiful! When I stepped out of my classroom, I saw one of my AP English IV students from 1st period and she sent my self-esteem through the roof:
"YOU-ARE-FLAWLESS!" she stated (almost like a chant)
"Just tryin' to be like you when I grow up" I responded.
That's all it took for me to realize that I had a cheerleading squad cheering me on...my students and even some of my colleagues. I haven't told everyone about my situation because I am careful about Jay's feelings. He goes to school in the same place I teach; the last thing I want to do is embarrass him.
He has never abandoned me (where would he go anyway?)
As the day wound down, I contemplated whether or not it would behoove me to go to church. Should I stick with my routine? or Should I go hear a word from the Lord? I chose the latter, besides you already know I don't value sleep.
I wasn;t feeling church in my flesh. I think my flesh just wanted to lie around and wasn't very excited that I hadn't allowed it to do so. It was okay though because my flesh does not dictate how I worship God. During worship, we sang a song that I'd never heard before...something about being stranded in His presence and it changed the way I will see abandonment for the rest of my life. I beagn to think:
It was okay that they left me. Okay that my mom was never there. It's okay that she doesn't call me unless she wants something and that I can't rely on her to be a mother to me. It's okay that I loved a man or two who used me when it was convienent and released me when he was done. He released me to God. It's okay if sometimes I feel friendless and familyless (okay, is that even a word?).It's okay that, even when I don't want to walk alone and especially when I wish someone would feel me in the spirit and reach out to me rather than wait for me to call them and tell them something is wrong. For as much as I know God has sent me to heal and hear so many broken hearts, mine has remained shattered and damaged for so long...it's been so hard living with the feelings of rejection and abandonment. However,when they left me, when they walked away from me, when they stole from me, when they used me, when they abused me and exploited me, then walked away from me, I ran to Him weary, wounded and sad.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO STRONG! THAT'S WHY I HAVE MADE IT! THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T LOST MY 'EVA-LUVIN' MIND!
When I was stranded, I was left in God's presence. The great thing is, He promised me that when my mother and my father forsake, leave or abandon me, He will take me up (claim me and own me for His own purpose). Psalm 27:10
I hope you see that for you too!
If you feel abandonded, discouraged or lonely, please send me an e-mail. I have received so many prayer requests and e-mail of encouragement since I started this blog. Please let me do the same for you. If you would like to talk, I will gladly give you my number. No matter what, know that you're not alone or forgotten. If they left, stranded, or abandoned you, know that you're still okay, because God will never leave nor forsake you. GBY!
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