The Situation:
I woke up praying. I mean, right out of my sleep.
Off of the loveseat.
There was my little one, Jeremiah, saying the usual "Good morning mommy... me hungry"
"Do you have to go pee-pee Jeremiah?" I said between prayers.
"No Thank you" he replied.
Everything seemed normal enough. I was praying and praising God for another day.
I didn't do anything different: feed Miah, talk to Miah, play with Miah and allow him to watch his favorite video while I check my blog. No comments, but new followers.
Everyday I know I need to say something. I need to do it for me because, in a way, this blog is my journal. I don't have a lot of adult interaction, so this blog is my way of reconnecting with Yolanda the adult.
Sometimes, when you have children, you lose yourself in everyone else's lives and needs and wants. When you're a single parent (or living in a situation where you feel like a single parent) you have plenty moments where you check to find you and you have no idea where you went. For instance, I know I'm a woman. I have all of the woman parts, desires and feelings, but many times I don't feel like a woman. I feel like I wear a lot of hats, I carry plenty of titles, but woman is not one that I carry often.
Some of you know what I mean, but for others I will offer this tidbit of information:
A woman loves to feel feminine. She enjoys hearing the accolades of others especially a significant other. She likes to be around adults and enjoys telling a joke or two with the ladies or maybe chuckling at a humorous story.
A woman likes to get her hair done and gaze at her visage in the mirror during that final spin and say to herself (or even aloud) "Oh honey, it-is-well!". Most women can't afford the manicure and pedicure, but when they have an opportunity to get one, what an awesome treat and how beautiful, pretty and stupendous she feels. Every woman wants to look and feel fabulous and I can't think of a woman who doesn't want to hear someone else (especially of the opposite sex) say she looks gorgeous.
When you're homeless, you can't justify doing anything for yourself. You have to focus in on your children and either no one wants to be around you, or you have isolate yourself (I have no idea which category I fit in).
I sat down to at my laptop and began to work.
I worked on the literacy project that my students are doing. I did research. I sent e-mails. I did so much work. Then my youngest son started crying. I'm not even sure why he was crying, but his cry triggered something in me. As I attempted to find out what was wrong with him, frustrated, I felt my eyes start to fill with tears. I arrested myself and every tear dried before they could fall. I went back to work and Miah went back to play.
Once I got deep into my work, Miah decided he wanted to wake Jay, but I knew Jay needed his sleep. When he had his own room, he used to close the door and sleep until I wanted him to get up. On a Saturdays, I allowed him to sleep until he couldn't sleep anymore. Saturdays were his time to rest. Jeremiah, however, had other plans and there was very little I could do to stop him.
That's when it hit me.
No more "Got to the playroom." No more going to my room. No more sitting in the playroom with Miah and working while he played around me. There is no playroom. There is no privacy. I began to weep...then, my heart sank and I needed to call someone, but I didn't want to bother anyone.
I tried to hold back my tears, but they flowed like a heavy rain. My inner cry sat stifled. My inner scream was muffled, but the tearsd, I couldn't keep them from falling.
Jay woke up disturbed by a series of playful pounces from his brother and I could tell he was annoyed. He held it in and sucked it up (like he always does). Jay went to the bathroom and came back talking about some conversation we had the night before. He came in laughing, but I hid my face because I didn't want him to see me crying. I didn't want him to ask me what was wrong. I didn't want him to think for one second that his mom was breaking under the pressure...That the one person who was always smiling and telling him that everything would be okay, that God was sovereign, that this too would pass, that we were not forgotten, had lost hope. I asked him, "Did you brush your teeth?" He didn't say a word, got up and went to brush his teeth.
I composed myself.
When he came back in talking, I was able to converse with him some, but I was trying to work and talk to him at the same time. I needed to get at least four more things scratched off of my list. If I did, I would know that this whole "homeless thing" wasn't getting the best of me.
With only two more things left on my list, Miah discovered I was in the room, or got tired of Jay. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, Miah began to cling to me. He wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't let me finish. He clung to my right arm and began to swing on it as if it were, well, a swing. I couldn't hold it anymore and I don't know why. Something in me just broke. I didn't make a single sound, but my tears flowed like a monsoon. Miah was already dressed, so I asked Jay to take Miah outside. He never asked a question, he just got his stuff and took Miah out for me.
You would think that was all I needed, but it wasn't. That was all I needed to go into a whimper and crawl into a ball like a baby. My body folded. I sat on the loveseat doubled over in a sea of tears. I felt like I needed someone to tell me I was okay. I needed someone to tell me that I would be okay...that it was temporary. I was so busy whimpering that I couldn't do it for myself. As I paused from my list, with my head turned into the cushion on the loveseat (sobbing heavily), I heard a bleep on my computer. It was a friend of mine saying hi on Yahoo Messenger. He asked how I was doing. My response was "not good." I cried even harder. As I typed, all of my words were misspelled because I couldn't see what I was typing. He asked whether or not it had to do with our situation and I concurred.
I whispered to God that I was sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not being strong Lord, but it's not because of you. It's not that I don't trust you. I love you and I praise you. I'm just so sad.
My friend held on and had no idea what I was going though, but did everything in his power to let me know he cared about my feelings. Then, I got what I needed. All of what I needed. I had a conversation. I got to be heard. I got to be a woman and I felt myself. I did cry, in the beginning, but he also made sure I knew that there was someone thinking of me. Before the conversation was over, I had the hope I needed. I knew that this suffering was temproary and that pretty soon, we would be okay.
Inspiration:
We all go through different things. Sadness and discouragement are normal occurrences, yet we have to be careful not to allow them to overtake us. Yes, I had a good friend pop up on Yahoo Messenger just in the nick of time, but everyone has experienced those times when you had to go through the entire thing alone. The rollercoaster of emotions: intense sadness, grief, despair, discouragement, frustration and feelings of worthlessness. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've gone through those feelings and no one showed up. During those times, I had to reach out to God and sometimes I didn't; I just wallowed in it.
I thank God for my humanity. I know that everyday won't be sunny and sometimes I will cry, hard. However, in everything that I've been through, I know that God is real, He is sovereign, He does love me, He knows my name and when there is no one to hold me, He does...and when it seems that no one cares, He cares for me. His love for me helps me to love others and the hope He gives me, in my darkest hour, is the reservior in which I draw the inspiration that spills out in this blog (I hope that, if you needed it, some fell on you today).
After I got to chat with my friend, he called me on the phone and talked to me until he could hear my laughter. Then, I went to the IHN office upstairs to get some paperwork they needed me to fill out and I talked to the resident coordinator for a few moments. I told her about some of the things I was going through. I vented a little. I talked about how it, although it was great to get paid before the holidays, it's not so great that we don't get paid again until the end of the month. I explained that Wednesday, I was told to take my children to a soup kitchen for dinner and that, even though I didn't feel like it was beneath me to eat at a soup kitchen, I didn't know how my oldest son would feel if we had to do that. Then she asked me is I needed food and gave me two Target gift cards. I wasn't expecting that blessing. My friend on the phone also wired me $60 dollars.
I thought about it:
This morning, I woke up looking for four more dollars. All we had in the refridgerator were some chicken nuggets and fries. Now, I have enough money to feed my children for at least a week as well as put gas in my vehicle.
Sometimes we have no idea how, where or when God will provide...we just have to know that He will.
God loves you. He hasn't forgotten about you, so, if you needed a friend today, or you just need someone to talk to, or you have a prayer request, please e-mail me at yolandawhitted@msn.com . I'm so serious! I will give you my number and talk with you and when you ask me to pray for or with you for something, I do pray for you and I do so every single day. You don't have to be alone. And if by chance the situation on your heart is too embarrassing or too complicated to share with anyone, call on Jesus. I promise you He will answer and He really doesn't mind bearing it.
God bless you! I love you! xoxo
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