Nothing Could Be More Painful; Nothing Could Be More Rewarding

The Situation:

Yesterday, I found myself both bewildered and frustrated. There are too many things to manage.


The insanity of homelessness.

Plenty of people have a suggestion or two or ten (and their suggestions seem to turn into demands). Don't do this, don't do that. This is what you should do. All of their remarks and comments seem to suggest that I got myself into this mess and that I have no idea how to get of it.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the suggestions, but sometimes it just feels as though some people blame me for being homeless...as if I was getting my hair and nails done and taking lavish trips and that is how I got into this debacle. No matter how much I explain how I get here, some people just can't believe that this is not my fault...the homelessness was inevitable for reasons I can't explain. The homelessness in a sense was necessary for me to finally realize my potential and stop sitting on my talents.

If I wasn't in this predicament, I wouldn't have ever done this blog. I wouldn't have released my memoir to anyone. Everything I was suffering would continue to be a secret. Believe it or not (I don't have to tell many of you this) I am a very private person. I take pride in keeping my business, my struggles and my sufferings to myself unless I feel there is a need to share. Only a handful of people know my secrets and even they don't know all of them.

I am transparent. If I am going through something, I don't mind sharing it. However, I also keep many of the things I go through to myself. Therefore, writing this blog was a little frightening to me at first. I knew it would give people room to scrutinize and judge me. Thus, before doing this blog, I had to feel peace about doing it.

I mean, don't you think being a homeless teacher is embarrassing? I LIVE in Durham and at least 300 students from my high school are my friends Facebook. They all have their views of me, yet I went global with my decision to write this blog. I posted the link and shared it with all 930 of my FB friends...Students, family, former classmates and church members, longtime friends, loved ones and even some strangers (people I still can't figure out how or when we became friends).

When I asked my eldest son how he felt about the blog, he told me to do it, he likes it and he reads it daily. I figured, if he's a teenager learning and living in the same school in which I teach and he doesn't mind me exposing this situation, it must be okay.

I thought about a question I asked God in 2000. Most people believe it is sacrilegious to ask God why. How many times have you heard people say things like: "God doesn't have to tell you anything! He's God; He doesn't have to answer to man!" For a long time I believed it. Then, I started having conversations with God and I found out that He knew I wonder why and He was not intimidated by my questioning Him.

You see, I talk to God like I talk to other people. He is my dad. I have a very close relationship with Him and I know that He understands me. He understands us. He loves us and He knows our names! (Just wanted to let you know that I am not the only one. This also applies to you!) He knows how many hairs are on our heads and He knows our thoughts afar off. He knows what we think all the time, so He knows our questions. God wants us to ask Him our questions because He wants to finally answer them. Yes, He wants to answer your question. He is concerned about what baffles you AND He wants to give you clarity concerning ALL of your whys.

I asked God why. My question was simple and unique to my situation, yet I know that His answer was for all of us. "Dad" I said "I have always been taught not to ask you why, but no one can give me an answer, so I'm gonna ask you anyway." My question was in two parts: "Why did I have to experience so much pain? and How are you going to get the glory through all that I've been through?" I asked God the second question and added a few comments about how embarrassing it is to be a Christian and be homeless... How I didn't understand why I was brutally raped in 1999. I was a Christian. I took the guy to church with me. I was just going to retrieve money he owed me. I was saved and for six minutes, I was a Christian being raped. When I was asking God this question in 2000, I had fled Houston because of the threats of that young man's friends. After receiving a job transfer to Raleigh, NC I lost my job two weeks after I arrived. I asked my questions from the porch of a sharing house. Jay and I lived there for eight months.

After I finished asking my question, I didn't have to wait long for an answer. God's answer was clear and concise. I knew it was Him because I was neither intelligent nor creative enough to formulate such a response. I heard "Out of the reservoir of your experience, you will bless nations." Then a deluge of revelation came and the peace of God overwhelmed me. From that moment on, every time I went through something embarrassing, every time I felt the grips of poverty and every time I faltered, I knew that I would be fine and that everything I suffered, every negative feeling I felt and every time I cried from being misunderstood, hurt, ravished, disappointed and dismayed, it was for the people who needed to know, after they had been through that thing, their latter SHALL be greater than their former.

I realize, know and understand that my life is not my own. I'm not saying that God made me homeless (I've already talked about (in my first post) why I am currently homeless), yet I know that my present suffering is nothing. It is not my fault and I am not, neither will I ever be, despondent or disappointed in myself because of this thing that I'm going through...homelessness. Right now, I understand that I am not the only teacher in America that is homeless! I am also NOT the only professional that is homeless. I am not ashamed.

Ok, with that being said. I know that there are so many people who are trying to help me. Since I sent out the first e-mail on Facebook, so many people who know me have reached out to me. Some of them responded to one of the blogs and some of them responded on Facebook. I feel so supported and loved right now. So many of you have offered to help in many ways and some people have aswsisted me in some way. Let me tell you how bad and how good this situation had been since we started our journey:

The Bad:

• There were two days in particular in which I didn't have enough money to feed my children. One evening all I had was $2.30 and my children ate chips and 99 cent oatmeal cookies for dinner. (Jeremiah loved that! His response was "Ooooow! Coooookies!). One morning (very recently) they ate popcorn and a honey bun for breakfast.

• We all had to sleep in the same bed at the last extended stay we slept in. This wouldn't be under bad if Jeremiah knew how to sleep without constantly employing martial arts. I think he was dreaming of being a ninja or something. He kicked me in the throat.

• We had to drive around with all of our stuff in the jeep. It looked like we were homeless. There were piles of things everywhere in the jeep and each time we had to stay somewhere, Jay and I had to sift through things each time we stayed somewhere.

The Good:

• Art Russell sent me a series of text messages that had me boo-hooin'! He told me something I knew and that I needed to hear. He reminded me that I do have a family that has always loved me and that I could come home. He told me a lot of things that are too personal to announce on a blog...He lifted my head and strengthened me. Art, if you're reading this, I know you already know how much I appreciate you. I love you and I am coming home because I need the support of my family. I no longer want to be an island and I promise, I will call you as soon as I have everything together. Tell mom I love her.

• My cousin Bryant also wrote and encouraged me (along with a plethora of different people). I can't articulate into words how your pledges of support and messages of love lifted me. I was trying to keep myself lifted, but God kept me lifted through your words.

• As I was on my way to stand in line for canned goods, one of my colleagues (Shawna Monroe aka

Shawnique) called me and invited us to lunch. She fed my children and I Golden Coral. Good eatin'!

• One of friends, who wants to remain anonymous, brought me a BJ's card (Yay!), a Walmart gift card, bought me some cleaning supplies and breakfast for my children, put some gas in my jeep and gave me $40 dollars.

• My bff Darla spent some time w/me, chilled w/me last night after church and plans on helping me clean out the house on Gray Ave tomorrow. Thanks D.

• One of my friends allowed us to stay with them during Christmas and offered for us to stay there if we couldn't find a place, but they live in Rocky Mount...too far away. It wouldn't have been worth the $600 dollars a month in gas. I appreciate the warm bed, food and all of the red-zone football a sista could watch. Thanks Ced. I love you!...And might I add (no matter how much junk you talk) Go BEARS! Respect the beasts! da, da, da, da, da...sinema ;-)

• A colleague from another school let us crash in her daughter's room the night before we went to Rocky Mount. Thanks Cathea! She also gave me money to buy my oldest son shoes for Christmas. I found the ones he wanted on sale and was able to buy him two.

• We were given a $50 gift card from Marshalls and I was able to purchase Jay some clothes. It was a good start.

• We got this basement efficiency for at least until the end of February and I'm sure, by then, that my blog will read "Inspiration from a Recently Homeless Teacher"

So, do you see that the good out-weigh the bad? I do.

As far as what I was talking about earlier, the people who, I feel, don't believe I have a plan. It all comes down to my situation. When you're homeless, you have to go to agencies and the agencies usually help you find assistance; however, they have to prove that they can solve the problem that made you homeless. I understand that. They also want you to sell your things rather than give them away. That is where I have the problem. I trust God. Therefore, I don't feel the need to hold on to things. I have a three bedroom house full of furniture. Would I like to keep our sectional, beds, night stands, desks, book shelves, my armoire...etc? SURE! I also have another vehicle that is better on gas mileage and a 5-speed. Would I love to keep it? SURE! However, I believe that, if I bless someone else who currently has a place to stay (that can use those things), God will bless us once we get into our new place.

I strongly believe that things are so temporal and unimportant and, although I understand why they would rather me put my things in storage and sell them, I feel that my benefit is better if I just give them away. If I give them away, I have those things out of my hair and off of my mind and someone else has an opportunity to be blessed. I guess my biggest issue is going back to work on Monday and trying to meet with people from Craigslist as I attempt to get a few dollars for things that can be replaced. I need my peace of mind and my focus more. I see an overload coming on if I go through the process of trying to sell those things and I am not good with overload.

I have also been asked rather or not I have a plan, which is almost offensive. How could I be when I am career-wise if I didn't ALWAYS have a plan. In fact, how would I be in this place without God's favor. I called this particular shelter on Christmas and left a detailed message about my situation. The organization called me back. I have been moving forward since I started this process and sometimes I feel like it would've been better had I just handled it alone. I despise being treated as though I am looking for a hand-out and that I don't have any goals, dreams or aspirations. Our family therapist asked me where or not I have a five-year and ten-year plan. I know she means well, but could you imagine me not having one? I finished undergrad with honors in less than three years! During that time, I didn't have a job, I was in therapy and I had absolutely no support. I guess, yesterday, I just frustrated that I am working each day to better my situation, yet, when most people in the social work field see me, they only see the need and they don't see me.

Once I was told I was moving too fast and that they needed to know what I was doing so they could help me, but I honestly didn't see the need to wait for them to find me something when I know they have other clients and I am my ONLY client. I'm not a number. I'm a person and I have a career. I have always had a plan. I stay up long after my children go to sleep to analyze my plan.

By the time I got to church last night, I was so disgruntled. I was late and, at my church, if you're late, you have to go to the overflow. I didn't mind that; however, I took my frustration to the door the church and left it between the lobby and the front door of the over-flow. I knew that I was not going to bring it into the house of the Lord and that, when I got in there, I would praise Him like I was insane. Nothing is going to get in the way of me praising my Jesus! Nothing is going to stand between me and the holy of holies! We are NOT the only ones homeless in America for goodness sakes. I walk in with my oldest son walking ahead and my youngest one in tow. Suddenly I realized something was out of place. The worship leaders were singing on the screen, but, out of all of the people in the overflow (at least 150 people) only about 5 people were actively worshipping.

What?!

I was baffled! People were talking, laughing and otherwise distracted. Some people were just sitting there watching the screen; they weren't even singing. Ain't none of them homeless; I know that! They must not have a care in the world I thought.

Immediately I shook myself, found us a seat and started singing as loud as I could (and I am NOT a singer). I lifted my hands and connected with God and, whatever was on me, whatever cares I had all melted like hot wax. I concentrated on the one I knew knew me and understood me and saw me for who I was. I blessed the name of the one who saw me great. The one who made me who I am today. The one who sees me beautiful and knows the end from the beginning. I worshipped the one who wrote the end of my story and told me it is well.

The tears flowed and I felt the anointing of God. All of a sudden I was not in this world. I was and am and is, although it is not grammatically correct, free...and I will always be because whom the son has set free is free indeed. STOP PLAYIN'!

We made our confessions: teens, singles, married couples, pastor and then as a church family (after the word).

Pastor ministered a word that has been resonating inside of me since. The same word that God had continuously ministered to me. The same word I had plastered on Facebook for the last year. The word that God had been speaking to me about myself. I had heard it through the word pastor Andy had been teaching since I came to WOCC. God knows our name! He loves us! His thoughts of us are good and NOT evil. He wants us to live life to the full until it overflows! He has NOT planned any defeat for our lives.

Here are the main three points from the message and a prophecy that followed. I hope you can receive it!:

Here are the reasons why we can expect abundant life:

1. He loves me (John 3:16). “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He knows your name. He died that we might have life. That we would live and not die.

2. It is the very purpose of Jesus (John 10:10). "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He didn't come for us to struggle!

3. We have to be taught how to live. Many of us have been taught to live by people who only know how to die. God is determined that we have life (1 John 5: 9-12) "We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God, which he has given about his Son. Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.” God has a testimony. During these times, people are losing faith in God; God is on trial. The Lord is giving us a testimony. YOUR LIFE IS GOD's TESTIMONY! God is going to bless us w/abundant life and taking us to the next level because he wants the world to know what He can do w/people who trust and believe in Him.

The Prophecy:

The life that is about to overtake us is not about us. We don't have to worry about messing it up. God will show through our lives even though we're not perfect and we are broken. The abundant life is what God has promised us, and, this year, we will begin to walk in it.

I RECEIVE IT!

Inspiration (Like it wasn't posted throughout the situation section):

I thank God for a pastor that is always hearing from God. I learned to speak what I know. God is concerned about me. He loves both me and my children. This situation will not kill us; it will make us stronger. I know this more than most people. I am not discouraged. Again, I know that I have an EXPECTED end.

Let me tell you what is going to happen with me in this decade:

• I will finish both my MA as well as National Boards (I pulled out of National Boards for this year) by 2011

• I will obtain my PhD by my 42nd birthday( my MD by my 45th). I will specialize in both Special Ed as well as adolescent PTSD and related psychosis

• My first book will be published in 2010. I will begin a long-lasting relationship with Penguin Group that will expose my writings to a vast number of audiences.

• I will remain a teacher for the next four-five years; then, return to teaching part-time after obtaining my MD.

• Once I establish myself as a writer and take care of my family, I will open several complete wellness centers for children who suffer from PTSD. The centers will provide social work, psychiatric/counseling services, academic services and fine arts/visual art programs (this will provide an outlet for the children). The organization will be privately funded and Christian-based.

I know that there is nothing I cannot do and that my present situation cannot and will not stop me. I have never been stopped, held back or rendered ineffective because I have a God who is my Father and knows my name. His thoughts of me are good and not evil that I would have an expected end.

I don't have to worry about what my current situation looks like or whether or not I will make it through this because I have made it though much worse. When I come out of this, I am bringing everyone who feel stuck in their present struggle with me. I will pray with you and believe God with you through OUR ordeals. You can always e-mail me, if you need prayer (yolandawhitted@msn.com).

I will not fail; we will not fail. The rest of our life, though unwritten, is not devastating; it will prove to us our worth and value.

If you can believe this, if you believe that I have any integrity, vision or insight, the best is yet to come and your latter, our latter, is much greater than our former.

Jay and Miah (My greatest source of inspiration)