Bringing you up to speed

The Struggle (They won't all be this long; I have to bring you up to speed...Please bare with me):

I'd be lying if I pretended this was fun or a joke. There's nothing fun about knowing that you don't have a stable place to stay. Furthermore, it is even more tough when you know that your children are out there with you as you ride around during the holidays with all of your earthly possessions in your vehicle.


It's been tough. I've cried, but only when my children were out of sight...Well, except for yesterday when I had to pull out all of my bills. It wasn't like I had never seen them before...I guess it was just that I had to go over them with someone who is helping ME find somewhere to live. Sad. I sat there thinking about the entire thing and all I could think about was how it is impossible to fathom being a teacher, who loves what she does, and having to cart my children from house to house and from hotel to extended stay...I thought This is INSANE!  One day last week, all I could afford to give my sons were cookies and chips for dinner because the bank wasn't open (this past Saturday) and I had lost my bank card.

We had no Christmas...no tree...no Christmas presents and no family. I divided my day between lying around, eating, drinking , sleeping and looking up jobs, homeless shelters and searching priceline for deals. When the Christmas weekend was over, I immediately went to see Pafilvie at Carolina Outreach (she's our casemanager). We went over my budget and put a number on my deficit...it's $992 dollars...Can you say chasm? I think we've surpassed HOLE...Okay, some people wouldn't think so, but that's just the debt I owe from past due bills; that does not include student loans and my car loan, which I have extended four times in the last two years.

When I started looking at all of the red on my budget, I burried my head in my hands and released a huge sigh. Way too much to think about, but it's hard when you don't have someone else to pass the buck to. I was flustered and it all made me think about my situation and how I got there...I had a baby...a sweet, handsome, amazingly loquacious baby boy (he's a toddler now...guess I should stop calling him a baby)...his dad promised me I would stuggle if I had him and the promise came to pass. He made sure of it. He refused to help me unless he felt like it and that feeling came upon him rarely. I, attempting to work with him, felt bad that I had inconvienced him, so I sacrificed my security and took on whatever he felt that I should bare...my struggle became unbareably priceless. The $100 dollars, he agreed to pay me, disbursed at a rate of $25 dollars a week, came more sporadically than I could have ever thought. Before I knew it, the payments became less frequent and my deficit grew. I moved in with him thinking that would help me, but it just got worse. I paid him rent and he stopped paying me anything. Pretty soon he began harrassing me and made it difficult for me to live there. So much stress and harrassment as my deficit only got bigger while I was there. It was no different than living on my own...honestly, it was much worse because I no longer received the sporadic support from him, but I did receive the harrassment...and the tears flowed, heavily.

So, as I sat there in the conference room at Carolina Outreach trying to take it all in, I thought about it all and blamed myself for not going to child support and ending all negotiations with the baby's dad. I blamed myself for the homeless shelters that refused to take us in because my oldest son is older than 10 years old and I thought: Where the heck do you go if you are homeless and have a teenager? Good Lord this system really sucks!

Suddenly, I received a phone call. It was exactly what I needed. One of the messages I left on Christmas had paid off. It was a representative from Interfaith Hospitality Network of Durham. She asked me several questions and concluded that my family was a perfect fit for an efficiency basement apartment.

I took my oldest son to the appointment with me. I was professional and organized. I held it together until somehow she asked had I gone home for the holidays. Before I knew it, I said "...my brother died in November and I couldn't afford to go home to his funeral, my niece's fiance was killed a couple days ago in a tragic auto accident and that his seven-year-old son, who looks just like Jay (my oldest son) watched hid dad die..." It all came spilling out along with a deluge of tears...she gave me a box of tissue. I had come unglued....

We moved in the apartment today. It took a while to clean it and things aren't organized yet, but at least we have a start...a new beginning and I know I have a place to both feed and love my children. I try not to think much about myself. I just don't want to cry about it anymore.

The Inspiration Through the Struggle:

I know it may seem sad...my story. Still I think about so many people who have to face greater challenges. I think about what it could be like if I was one of the millions of Americans who don't have a job. I imagine how they must feel. Many people with degrees can't even find a job. Now that's sad! Also, I think about how God has provided for us at every turn. We haven't had to sleep in my vehicle. There is someone, somewhere sleeping in their vehicle, so I begin to pray for them. As I pray for them, my tears will fade.

Are you crying about something? Let's pray about it together. You can e-mail me your prayer request at yolandawhitted@msn.com

Be encouraged and never give up. Be determined and survive...if you feel that your struggle is too much, think of how bad it could be and pray for that person who IS experiencing what you have been spared. It'll dry your tears...Well, at least some of them. ;-)