What I Already Knew: He Loves Me (Volume 1)

The following three blogs will explain what has transpired since my last communication with you. So much has occurred. Please be patient as I tell you the entire story of our transition; let me know if you are blessed by it. I welcome all comments and questions.

I knew it and I never doubted Him.
It was only a matter of time.
Now, your homeless teacher,
who is currently living in a
homeless shelter with her little family,
is no longer
homeless.


Let me tell you what happened
(This should increase your faith
tremendously):


I avoided positng anything on my blog because I was so discouraged. It wasn't that I didn't trust God anymore, it was just that I didn't want to express my mood. I was sad, sullen and depressed and didn't want to pass that horrible feeling on to anyone. I wanted to ensure that I inspired others, rather than making them feel as though their situations were hopeless.


I was given promises, but the people at the agency in which I currently reside, we're sure as to whether or not I would even have the opportunity to move into a place of my own right away. Their idea was to transition me and my boys into a transitional home. We would be able to stay there for six months and, as a condition of our residency, we would be required to have weekly "pizza nights" with the hosting landlord.


We would move into a two-bedroom home. The rent was only $300 per month, but we could only stay for six months. I was excited about being able to go into my own bedrooms, and I didn't want to appear ungrateful, yet I was having a very difficult time with the thought of another transition: we moved in with my ex,  we went into a hotel room, we moved to another hotel room, we stayed the night with a colleague from another school, we stayed with a friend in Rocky Mount over the holidays, we went into an extended stay, we moved to IHN.


Too much transition!

I didn't want to seem unappreciative, but I knew it would be hard on my family to move twice more. I took it all in and complied. I ac acquiesced to whatever they said. I knew I didn't have much of a choice because I wasn't sure how quickly the other agency would move for me. The people at my current place told me that they took sometimes as long as eight weeks to place someone. I didn't want to suggest that we stay in the place where we currently reside until she found us a place because I knew we might have to stay over our suggested time at IHN and I didn't want to suggest that. However, I still didn't want to go through yet another transition.


I went to the new agency and, as I walked through the door and explained my situation, once I told her about my income, she was almost sure I didn't qualify. My eyes filled with tears, but I held them back for the hope that maybe there could be a chance that I hadn't gone through all of this for one more person to tell me no, I wasn't good enough, I made too much, I shouldn't be in this situation, or bend to me because you need me.


I showed her my W2 and showed her that, even though DPS reports my income as $35,000+ per year, I only bring home a little more than $31,000... Poverty. Please don't deny me an opportunity to receive your help. Lord, I'm a teacher... 


I knew it wasn't the Lord's doing, but He was the only one I thought to would listen...at that point, it just didn't feel like too many people cared. I prayed inside of me. I needed God to grant me favor. I held my breath for a few seconds after she left the room to run things by someone else. When she came back in smiling, a sigh of relief came over me.


"You couldn't have made a dollar more. You're approved!"


Then came the tears, then the battle began.
In my thought-life there was a war raging.


Is someone really gonna help me? This lady is so nice.
She shows me respect...this is remarkable.


I gave her everything she asked for and she was impressed.
She told me that, with all of the things I had given her, she would
 be able to place me somewhere within a couple of weeks.
When I went to talk to the people at IHN, they told me she had never
placed a family that quickly...I didn't know what to feel...I didn't want to
believe she would embellish to someone who exhibited such need.


My heart sank.


I was afraid to hope, but I shook myself and realized that my help wasn't coming
from an agency...my help came from the Lord!


I walked away from the meeting knowing that God was about to do something soon.
I didn't complaint. I didn't fret, but I felt so worn out.
Everyday I wanted to cry. I spent entire days up all night and fighting tears.
I spent my nights shaking myself. Waking at 3am so that I could have time to shake myself.

I felt as though I was shrinking.


I remembered the days I walked around Harvey...walked around Robbins...walked around the city...sad...homeless...lonely.


I was completely isolated.


I talked to myself.


I conversed with myself.


I sat alone in dark corners having full conversations with myself. I pretended I was someone else. I pretended I was talking to other people. I told people what I really wanted to say to them and that became a custom for me. I eased my mind by pretending I lived with someone who loved me...someone who wanted me there. I imagined myself safe. I imagined I was cared for...I was tender, but the moment someone walked by, I became a lunatic. No one bothered me. They heard me talking to myself. Sometimes I acted like I was deaf and pretended to sign. I perfected different accents I heard from others and tested them on people. I was believeable...I was a kind pick-pocket...I learned the skill when I was young. Men were the easiest targets because they liked to touch me. Hug me. Squeeze my breasts against them and whisper in my ear. I'd grab him and laugh...run up against him and giggle.


I was glad that was over...I thought


I'm such a beautiful woman now.


You must understand what I mean. I don't mean surface beautiful.
I mean kind and not manipulative beautiful.
I may be homeless, but God has brought me so far.
I have integrity and a career.


I have a career!


I earn my way...ha!


I don't steal anymore....I don't have to!


PRAISE GOD!


I'm free from that now.


I'm a woman now.

Ha, ha, haaaaa! I'm a woman now!


Thank you Lord!


It's almost like I got a homeless do-over!


You may not understand, but I do.
I'm still a hustla; I just have a positive hustle!


I bless you Lord! Oh hallelujah!


Okay, so...I have to finish this.
The woman from the new agency arranged to meet me on Monday.


Then, the snow came.
For almost three days, I sat around unable to do anything.
It was icy all over and I couldn't drive.
I started sinking.
I talked to friend of mine who came by with his sister and helped me
shovel the ice and snow.
I tried to keep my sadness to myself.
I tried to control my feelings.
I did my best, so I didn't cry, but I
did tell him that I was feeling sad and
depressed.


He suggested that we all go to a movie so that I could have some
adult time and my children could have an outing.


It was one of the greatest things I could have heard.
Someone finally cared enough.
Someone wanted to spend time with us.
Our homeless stain didn't keep everyone away.
I breathed real deep and let out a tremendous load of air.
I felt evacuated and lighter.
We were going somewhere!


I felt a YAY in my spirit. (smile)

The next day he suggested that we all go to Chucky Cheese and then go out to eat...
sounds like an awesome idea.


We had a ball! My children were happy.
His sister came with her children.
We all had fun, and for a moment, I felt like I had a family.
It felt good, but I didn't hold on to that feeling too tightly because I didn't know whether or not it would last.


I wanted it to, but it seemed that all of the things that were good in my life always died.


I had to snatch that thought out of my mind.


He's a nice guy and gorgeous.
The best personality I've seen in a man in a very long time.
Intelligent, patient, caring and affectionate.
I enjoyed having him around me.


We played and laughed and I learned right then to enjoy the moment.
I just wanted to feel it. I loved it and I prayed that it wouldn't end even
though I knew it would (at least for the moment would).


After staying there and having fun, we had to return to our efficiency. I had never heard Jay complain, but he breathed an unhealthy sigh and said: "Man, I can't wait to get out of this place."


He had so much fun over my new friend's house that he was visibly sad that we had to go home. I felt so bad and my heart was heavy.


It was time for work and I did all I could to pull myself together...2-hour delay...I work that day and enjoyed my classes. Then, while on my way out of the school to get Jeremiah, I checked my phone and an unfamiliar number repeated several times...I called the number, it was the lady from the new agency. She had two places for us to look at.


Talk about excited, elated and enthralled...I'm sure there isn't a word!

We went to the first place, a town home, it was beautiful. Jeremiah came inside and ran around in huge circles laughing hysterically. It was at that moment that I understood how much being in that small efficiency had affected him. I thought that a two-year old wouldn't know we were homeless...I was mistaken...he knew.


Jay went inside with someone else. I knew that I liked the place, but consented to see the other one. The space in the town home stayed in my mind. I asked Jay how he felt about it and he agreed that it was a really great place...He liked it too.


When we went to the other place, it was even larger than the first one; however, it was a unit above someone. It had a washer and dryer, but it had a window unit for AC and baseboard heat. I knew I didn't want that.


The lady gave me first choice and asked me which one I wanted. I chose the town home and something inside of me doubted everything she said. As we went back to the shelter, I thought What if something happens and they decide not to do this for us? What am I going to do? I began to shake the surface doubt, but there was still doubt inside of me. I looked at my sons and instantly choked. I couldn't cry again.


A few days elapsed and the lady from the organization Habitat for New Hope called explained that I needed to go to Ready to Rent training and that we would move in that coming Friday.


"We're moving?"


"Yes, just turn in your application to the apartment complex"


"What if they deny me?"


"They won't deny you. You have the place. They knew everything. You're approved."


I wanted to believe her, but I reeked of pessimism!  I was beginning to get on my own nerves!


I went to the training and didn't want to say much to people because I didn't want to seem to be gloating. We were all homeless. I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. I was a pitiful mess and felt that I was becoming a fragment of what I once was. I needed to snap out of it, but I didn't know how to.

I needed some word and prayer!

I went back to the efficiency and, after my sons went to sleep, I told God about it. The same scripture kept coming to me:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


God reminded me that, even though my situation didn't seem ideal, He hadn't changed his mind about me. He still wanted me to be everything He ever said He wanted me to be. Suddenly I realized that, because certain people stopped reaching out to me and I felt that I was forgotten by some people, I felt forgotten by God.


My heart sank more and more daily because I felt I had no hope. I had very little interaction with people, especially my peers, and it felt like, whenever I really needed someone to talk to, if I chose to call someone, they sent me to voicemail or just ignored me entirely. People I used to spend time with when I had a place didn't even check on me. There were some people, that I thought were close to me, that stopped coming around me altogether. 


It was like a dark cloud had settled over our heads.


Most times the people who did contact me were guys who expressed a romantic interest in me and they wanted to go out and do thing, but I wasn't interested. Many of them tried so hard to see me that it was more annoying than anything because it seemed they didn't care how I felt about it. They wanted to see me whether I wanted to see them or not. I decided that, no matter how lonely I was, I wouldn't do it.


I became a recluse.