It's The Way Things Go!

I stood there startled. It was so difficult to believe.

I could see everything in my little home.

Everything!

The door spread wide-open like a gaping wound...
damaged!
It was the first time I'd ever seen such a thing.
I can't think of another time in my life that it had
happened.

They broke in...while I was at work.

No keys needed.

I called the police and started looking around to survey the
breech. The one thing I was looking for was my cellphone.
It was another first for me. I had left it home, something I normally
didn't do, and I was stupified as I frantically searched for it and couldn't find it.

It was gone. That and all of my security. It was so much like being that homeless
teenager who lived in spaces where she couldn't remove her underware.
Had someone steal her panties before...went without wearing any for more than a month
until she found someone she could abscond a pair from.

It was killing me!

I didn't want this! All I wanted to do was go back to work.
Called the police on Jay's phone and held back the tears.
As I thought about how it now felt to know that I had been watched...
that they could be watching me now...I became polarized with fear.
Sick to my stomach...so sick!

I turned the house upside-down looking for my phone.
Meanwhile, Jay pointed out the things missing from his room.

When the officer arrived, he looked around, asked me what happened, I explained the story, he told me that this was the second break-in in my apartment...

WHAT?!

I had to go back to work and leave my children there...I hadn't locked the deadbolt when we'd left that morning, so the door did lock.

I needed to call my landlord and go to the school to retrieve my laptop (I didn't want anyone stealing that too). At this point of unrelenting hype-vigilance, I find myself overcome by anxiety as well as the feelings I missed...I still miss: love, affection, safety...something I've never had for any period of time...something I've felt, at times, wasn't real...unattainable.

I felt all of the wind gushing out of me and I wanted...strongly desired a good tight hug so I could cry.

"I can't have anything!"

I went to the school as quickly as I could.
Called the landlord...emergency line
When she called me back, she set-up a barrage of questions
until she got to the one that offended me to my core:

"Did you love the deadbolt?"

"No."

"So, we've learned a valuable lesson didn't we?"

"Excuse me?"

"Next time I bet you'll lock that deadbolt, huh?"

I felt the heat flushing over my body...all over me like a chest CT...
my face turned red, my eyes welled up...I was hurt and livid at the same time...
two tough emotions running together like a broken dam spewing out a deluge
of feelings.

I took my breath, collected myself and excused myself from that part of the conversation.
I explained how the door looked:

"The frame is off
Whoever did it propped it up nicely..."

"Well, can you prop a chair up to the door?"

"Huh?"

"I really don't want to have my man come out there to fix the door if it can wait until morning. Can it?"

My jaw dropped and so did my heart...

"I really need him to come tonight...I don't feel safe."

"Ohhhh, okaaaay..."

She sent him...and he came.

When he got there, he wasn't happy.

"This could've waited until morning. You can still close the door."


...

Just When I Thought It Was Over

It took a while for me to write again, but that doesn't mean that there hasn't been trouble. That definitely doesn't mean that our bout with homelessness was over...I thought it was.

I knew for sure that, the moment we moved into this place in February, the day my baby ran around this cute little town home in humongous circles, the day my oldest son looked into his bedroom and cracked a much needed smile. I just knew our struggle was over, but it had only began...our new struggle:



When we moved into our place, the first night I realized something. The place was infested with roaches.

They were EVERYWHERE and upon investigation, I found that there were nests in nearly every room. However, roaches and all, we were grateful and blessed, so I tried my best not to complain...I really didn't complain. I requested help for evicting my new visitors and the landlord seemed pretty reasonable and that made me glad. Unfortunately, it would take more time than I would like to get rid of the critters. Once we finally did, my neighbors moved out and I received a healthy deluge of them all over again.

The roaches weren't the worse thing to happen. That occurred in June when the organization that was helping me transition out of homeless had to abruptly cut funding. That's when the eviction notices started, and, they haven't started flowing. I've gained 18 lbs since then. I'm not able to provide my children (or myself) with adequate food and nutrition. I applied for food stamps and was denied...again. There is no governmental help I can receive because they look at my gross income.


 And now, that little place that brought us so much joy in the beginning, has become a burden that I must fight to keep because it is the best that we have right now...right now, I'm fighting to keep a place where I don't feel safe...You see, at the end of October, someone kicked in my door and killed all of the security I had in our new place and my landlord's reaction left me feeling both raped and molested...